An Unbeliever Meets The God Of Determinism (Satire)

One day, a non-Christian named Sam was driving down the road. He was on his way to pick up groceries for his wife and 5 kids. But then something terrible happened! He was a in a car accident! He was killed instantly! Suddenly, Sam found himself surrounded in a bright light, and soon he found himself standing before a massive throne. It was God’s throne!

Sam: “What happened!? Where am I!?”

God: “You are dead, Samuel. You are now in Heaven, standing before my throne. I am the Lord God. The Creator of the universe, the one who bigged the bang, the fine tuner of the universe, and author of the best seller; “The Genetic Code””

Sam: “Whoa! So all of those things the Christians said were true!? Holy smokes!”

God: “Yes, Sam. They were right when they told me about you, and there's nothing holy about smoke unless I'm in it like that time during the Exodus.”

Sam: “But…I didn’t listen to them. I didn’t accept your offer of salvation when the gospel was preached to me. I know enough scripture to know what happens to those who don’t receive Jesus Christ as their Savior before they die.”

God: “Yes, I send them to a place of eternal torment in order to be punished for their wicked deeds. That is where I am going to send you.”

Sam: “Before you do, I just have a few questions for you. When I was alive, some of the Christians who witnessed to me said that you were “sovereign over all things”. When I asked them what they meant by that, they said that this meant that you causally determined absolutely everything that ever has, is currently, and ever will come to pass. They said that nothing happens outside of your sovereign decree. If that’s true, then that means that every transgression I committed against you while I was alive was ultimately caused by you, you made it happen, and if that’s the case, how can you be justified in condemning me if it's your fault that I did what I did in the first place? What’s more, if you really hate sin, why would you cause it to begin with? Why would you make something you so abhor occur? That would be like me getting one of my kids to bust my plasma television with their baseball bat?”

God: “Who are you O Man to question me!?”

Sam: “What?”

God: “I said ‘who are you O man to question me!?’ I am perfect in everything I do. If I casually determine sin, it’s for a good reason. If I punish causally determined creatures for the sins I determined them do, it’s for a good reason. I am perfect. I am holy."

Sam: “That doesn’t really answer my question. If everything I do is caused by you, how is it that I am responsible for them instead of you yourself? What’s more, how can you be justified in condemning me if it's your fault that I did what I did in the first place? I could understand if all of my sins were chosen of my own free will, but if I had no say in my day to day choices, how can I be held accountable? And if YOU were the One who essentially made me do what I did, how is it that you’re somehow NOT the one responsible for my sins? If you’re the one who causes every instance of evil that’s ever happened, wouldn’t that make you the ultimate sinner?”

God: “Who are you to talk back to me!?”

Sam: “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

God: “Again, I say ‘who are you to talk back to me!?’ Do you not understand what that means!? It means ‘sit down, shut up, and stop asking questions’! Sit down, shut up, stop asking questions! I didn’t give you a brain so you could use it, you know.”

Sam: “That’s not what one Christian blogger said.”

God: “Oh, you’re talking about Evan Minton, author of the blog Cerebral Faith. Yeah, he’s an impious blasphemer. I causally determined one of my servants to accurately point that out in a discussion I causally determined recently. Evan was thinking just as critically as you are right now. I hate that. Hasn’t he ever heard of intellectual suicide? I commend those who commit it. The reason he hasn’t is the reason why he does not think it can be justified for me to causally determine sin and then punish people for the sins I made them commit. Sort of like you. Why does he think he has to have good reason to believe something before he believes it?”

Sam: “Wait a minute, something just occurred to me! Isn’t my questioning of you also determined by you?”

God: “Yes. What’s your point?”

Sam: “Well then, if you hate it when I ask you all of these pressing questions, why don’t you just determine me to nod my head in agreement at everything you have to say? Also, If you hate it when the Arminians and Molinists think the determinist soteriology undermines your character, why don’t you just determine them to agree with it?”

God: “I can do whatever I want. I’m God. Stop thinking so critically and asking so many questions. I refuse to answer. I don’t have to justify myself before you.”

Sam: “I guess I’m not going to get any good answers out of you, sort of like the Calvinists the Arminians complain about. Before I go, just one last question.”

God: “What?”

Sam: “Why did you choose me for eternal torture, and not another? Why didn’t you choose that Evan’s fate would be eternal torment in Hell, and my fate to be eternal bliss in Heaven? What is it that made you choose one fate for me, and the other fate for him?”

God: “Didn’t you read the reformed confessionals? It is for my good pleasure. Everything I do is for my good pleasure.”

Sam: “Wait, you take 'good pleasure' in people being tormented forever? Isn't that a little sadistic? Moreover, isn't there a Bible verse....umm...Ezekiel 33:11, I think, where you explicitly say you don't take pleasure in the deaths of the wicked?"

God: "Once again, you're judging me. I just can't get through to you, can I? Haven't you ever heard of my secret will VS. my revealed will? In my secret will, I take pleasure in the death of the wicked, in my revealed will, I do not."

Sam: "That makes no sense. So you say that you do one thing (secret will) but you say that you do another (revealed will)? Isn't that just being dishonest?"

God: "I just can't get through to you, can I?"

Sam: "You might get through to me if you determined me to agree with you just like you determined all of my sins."

God: "That's it! This discussion is over! Off to Hell with you!"


The Bible says that on judgment day, no man will have an excuse for his sins (see Romans 1:18-20, John 15:22, John 15:24), yet if universal divine determinism is true, I can imagine plenty of excuses the nonbeliever can give. Only an Arminian type of view could leave a man truly without excuse for his sins and unrepentance.